Tuesday, 2 April 2013

After yesterday’s post I grabbed the Kindle and picked up where I left off this weekend in, Brene Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”.  The first thing that hit me was this;


“I think our first response to pain—ours or someone else’s—is to self-protect. We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame. Or sometimes we shield ourselves by turning to judgment or by immediately going into fix-it mode.”


And I immediately felt guilty about what I had written yesterday.  Even shared the quote on Facebook and commented, “Guilty.”  I don’t know why I was worried really?  I think only one person knows this site is even up or has anything on it.  So me brave?  Not so much.


I have something to say, but I’m not willing yet to put it out there for fear that it will do more damage or hurt someone.


I had an Akashic reading last weekend.  She said that I have too much going on in my head and that as soon as I can quiet that I will know when and exactly what to say.  The more I unplug the more I will be able to hear clearly when it’s time to say something.  But I have to eliminate the existing program that keeps things pushed down.  I shut down.  I have this program of safety.  The threads are rooted into me.  A program that keeps me from seeing what I know already.  But a counterpoint of a beautiful voice, but don’t want to be heard.


As I read I was thinking to myself.  Never do just one thing, ya know.  I was thinking?  Did I turn to judgment that night in the Indian restaurant when I said, this has got to stop you are all out of control, paid the bill and walked out?


Then I read this.  “This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior.”  I set a boundary.


Exactly, and guilty.


“It’s hard for us to understand that we can be compassionate and accepting while we hold people accountable for their behavior.


“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.  When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”


I wanted her to be accountable to herself and to her boys in terms of her behavior and acknowledge that she had been dealt more than the average can or should have to deal with and asking for help is ok.  Taking help is ok.  How can you be comfortable wound so tight every day?


But then, it’s not for me to make people accountable for their actions or behavior.  But I don’t have to be around actions or behavior that is toxic.


That voice in my head, “let it go”.






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