4212 Olive

When I think of character, first to mind is my Dad.  My two Grandpa’s.  Men I knew as a child and now men who I grew up with who I am still in touch with.  Merle McConnell, Hillis Bowers, John Wallace, Dan Wilson, Jim Carpenter, Bob Magee, Richard Burry, Elmer Gibson, Ed Barnes Jerry Bauman to name a few.  Then the Bowers, Merle, Ed, Ricky and Rodger.   Bill Nichols, Leroy Burry, Steve Magee, David and Doug Wilson, Tim and Steven Carpenter.

How is it that “we” normalized one, one who for many or me is a morally bankrupt, convicted felon, adjudicated rapist, racist into the once most respected highest office in the land.  Who will be next?  Why not a Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Ted Kazinsky? 

I’ve started this several times.  Then get stuck.

I’ve said several times that I’m not here to understand,  Which lately is insurmountable.  Beyond any understanding.

Up until a few years ago, the idea of character rarely came into thought or conversation.  Now I think about it daily.

I think about how it feels like some have redefined character, morality and ethics.  It feels like for a reason or logic for me to put into words, none of those are an important aspect of leadership, or decency. 

Until a few years ago, I thought I knew what character was, or that the definition of character had not shifted or become a concept that was now void of meaning or importance.

Character as noun, the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.  Moral qualities, principals of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness(poor quality or low standard) of human character. 

What we have is a caricature of a human who will take an oath to protect and defend the constitution.  Someone who has with his actions and words disparaged and only defended himself not the constitution or any reasonable real rule of law.

A caricature is a picture, description, or imitation of a person in which certain striking characteristics are exaggerated in order to create a comic or grotesque effect. “there are elements of caricature in the portrayal of the hero”.

The soon to be President of the United States is a caricature.  As verb makes or gives a comically or grotesquely exaggerated representation of (someone or something). “he was caricatured on the cover of TV Guide“.

Mental and moral qualities.  Have we now normalized the fate of our future with a morales leader?  One who may have some level of a diminish of mental capacity?

Have we set aside our true idea or ideals about what character means or is to the degree that it is inconsequential?  We have jumbled words in the sense that if we move them over or back one direction and add a few other words we change the entire idea all together.

How you treat those who vote differently than you do say a lot about your character.

How you vote says a lot about your character.

And for what?  What is is that you hold so true and dear that you throw it all aside for this person?

Yes that word.  What is your measure of tolerance?  What is too much for you?  Do you get to set that measure for others?  

I saw one of my favorite follows on Instagram earlier respond to a DM message she got (1910.craftsman.on.burns).  She gets lots of them.

“You support the party of”acceptance and tolerance” yet you are not very accepting and tolerant of those in your comment section. Why limit the comments? Unless most of them are cooking you guys haha.”

Just for point of reference her comments section, 48.6k likes, 4,199 comments.  Not sure what “limit” means in this case.  And she gets a lot of DM’s.  And this one is tame, but what’s the point?

I think too often, those who use the word tolerance or throw it around like this are just abusers or damaged by abuse.  They are rarely interested in conversation, discussion or honest factual debate.  They are in it for the hit and run, the gotcha.  

Decency is no longer a value.  As Sherilyn Ifill has said, the requirements of decency have been lifted.  

Meta revised its hateful conduct policy to remove the term hate speech.  And of course fact checking isn’t needed any more.  Somehow it feels like Meta has lumped hate speech and free expression together completely putting civility on a back burner or a pointless aspect of society today.  

What I find interesting is that often ones trying to call out tolerance, do it with demeaning language, vitriol and hate.  Not sure why we can’t include all levels of any hate speech should not be tolerated and should be expunged, blocked, hidden, what ever.  

What purpose does this approach serve?  I have some weird idea right now that some are accustomed to and desensitized by and to abuse. So they have adopted that as their way to accomplish their goals. I mean, after all does that not now seem like the direction we are moving? 

How often does an abuser, physical or verbal change their spots?  When they say the 5th, 10th, 60th time they won’t do it again or send flowers, does that erase and completely reset and this will be the time of change?

I see the world in a different light.  The abuser and the abused needs help.  Help to stop the cycle.  The cycle that has us here today that I also feel will not shift back in my lifetime.

I see that within each of us is basic goodness.  Yet abuse in one form or another has the potential to overwhelm and disassociate one from any form of goodness for themselves or those around them.  Not all who are or have been abused become abusers, but I know it happens.  I think you do too.

I am okay.  I worry that some of you will not be okay.  I do not find the path of the current administration to date, a total of six days to have any redeeming qualities or in any way acceptable to serve the country.  In my measure of tolerance, it is off the charts, beyond unacceptable.  It won’t just be the “radical liberals” who this will impact.  It will be those of you who voted for him.

I am okay.  What I am not okay with is the destruction that too many are allowing to happen and too many standing back like’s it’s acceptable.  For the life of me, if I know you, you voted for the current president and at this point do not see the description that he is handing out daily to stroke his insecurities, I don’t and will also have to say, I don’t and never knew you.  Because, why would I find it acceptable to align my values with someone who essentially is dismissing those values at this point. And for what?

I know that some were single issue voters.  I was too.  My issue, qualified experience.  

I’ve said to myself so many times over the years that I don’t think I was put here on this earth at this time to understand. I wrote the other day that I’m having a hard time.  I’m okay.  

My hard time is the indifference.  There is a part o me that knows that it’s always been there, permission was granted and this is who we are.  It still takes my breath away to see and hear the cruelty that some have no issue or hesitation to, as they say, say the quiet part out loud.    

There is a lot going on for all of us.  The unknown of tomorrow while it presents no imprint, it gives us potential.  Opportunity to be.  An opportunity to slide back or make a choice to move forward.  It can be a gift.  It can be a continuation of the challenge that sits with you right this minute. It can be completely new and different, yet there will still be yesterday, last week, last month, last year. 

In my continued effort to stay away from the noise that is intended to disrupt and keep us wound, I’m not watching news.  I discontinued steaming services that provided the 24/7 new sources. Their contribution to the environment that we are in today is on understatement.  How those with the responsibility have maintained no responsibility.  

Also, did you know that there is a Three Stooges channel?

As I am writing this right now I’ve been watching Wynonna Judd: Between Hell and Hallelujah. I saw them live back in the 80’s at Kemper Arena.  This was a documentary about the concert tour that was to be a final tour, but Naomi took her life before it was to start. I actually watched the concert a few weeks ago.

It doesn’t take much for me to cry these days.  Age, the shifts in life that meet us all along the way.  The shifts that seem to be past repair or a place of care that allows us to care for each other and see our differences with grace and wonder instead of vitriol, separation and indifferent hate.  

The plates started shifting tectonically in 2017.  Left field was an understatement.  Deep down that shift, even as I think about it right now I have little to describe it.  The word debilitating comes to mind, but also seems extreme.  Then 2018, 2022, 2023 and now.  If I spend too much time thinking about it I can’t help but think or wonder the impact that 2017 had.

By the end of 2023, the residue of just the 5 years prior to that was a blur.  But at a time when, more than ever I needed a focus that I couldn’t rally.  I didn’t want to be the adult but there was no choice.

Then an election year and the unsettling potential of a reality of today what while I hoped would be different, that part of my gut that tells me things knew better.  

It doesn’t take much of me to cry these days I think because I didn’t have time to stop and cry in 2022 or even grieve in 2023 and now maybe I am, maybe I can.

Grief is normal and natural. Added to that now is the unnatural not normal state of the effort some are making to keep most of us unsettled.  

I’m having a hard time. I’m having a hard time tracking all of this and find myself looking to escape, feeling the need to fully disengage on many levels. Even a quick look at a headline, or a few seconds of audio of news, it’s too much what is happening. I’m trying to be careful and track focus to what is productive. I’m having a hard time. And I know I’m not the only one.

I saw a post yesterday with a quote. The first sentence, “one of the risks of being quiet is that the other people fill your silence with their own interpretation:” Thanks Cheryl K.

I know some disagree with me. Some won’t read because they already know, probably, what I will say when I do decide to say something and they disagree. And while I am not completely silent, there is so much I don’t say.

Another from a few weeks ago still creeps into my brain daily; how you treat those who voted differently than you says a lot about your character. What does who you voted for say about your character? We have let the definition of character, ethics and morality go regardless of the reality of any consequences of a lack there of. What have we accepted and acceptable with a vote?

The current administration is doing everything they can to diminish and adversely impact all of us. Not just who some thought or maybe even hoped it would impact. It will touch every one of us in one way or another.

There is too much at risk, so much at stake today and being too silent just doesn’t feel like an option. I also know nothing I or some might say will change others. That’s life. For now, that’s still our right.

Today;

It is beyond me what the threat to some Transgender, Gay, Black, Hispanic, the Houseless actually is. If you pay attention to more than one source or are truly concerned you know better. And you might find things like, immigrants, undocumented immigrants offend at a lower rate than US born. A study in Texas, yes Texas, immigrant arrests are less than half of US born. They also do the jobs that the majority of Americans don’t won’t do. So you should probably go out and buy some chickens, a milk cow, goats and maybe a pig or two. Or plant a huge garden.

What is it about those lives that has such an impact that some lash out with judgement, hate, work to silence or completely eliminate them from the world. What about their life has opened you up to so much hate?

Disparaging and lashing out at a minister for asking for compassion. How did you get there? Is your own house in order?

I’d be willing to bet that this hate comes from people who don’t even know a transgender person, have always looked down on gays and will often say things like, “I’m not a racist”. Code for ‘I’m a racist’. Which they would know and understand if they had done ANY work at all around racism and anti-racism. And why? Insecurity? Fear? Plan and simple, manufactured fear.

What does one do with manufactured fear that has been manipulated by the most insecure, incompetent, weak, narcissist on the planet? Do they believe that the hate will save them? Somehow expunge their perceived scourge from the earth? Do they believe that fear is the reality and salvation. Hate will deliver neither. Hate will eat you up. You have to know that, right? As a Buddhist raised in the church, this hate is more foreign to me than anything in my life. I find myself often angry or irritated, but hate? No. No hate. That’s not how I was taught, not how I was raised.

Some have been lead so deep into darkness, deceit and dissolution beyond any level of reality. An ability to return to any level of normal is beyond our grasp. Especially with what feels like the irreversible normalization of that one person who has made a mockery of everything. Everything sacred, everything we held true and honorable, the rule of law, the constitution, religion, science, humanity, decency and compassion. Everything.

Family and friends have split. We can agree to disagree on pizza toppings, but not legislation or laws that will harm innocent, honest good people who don’t want more than any of us, to be safe, happy and healthy.

“May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you live with ease”

A Facebook post, five years ago 2019.

I’ve said this a few times, but maybe not like this.

Character is reference to the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.  I feel like mine are pretty high and I admit to an expectation that those around me or who represent me will at the very least register somewhere on my scale morally.  Moral qualities and human decency do influence my choices.  Especially if they hold our democracy and our freedoms in their hands.

So, no I don’t want a “character” from a novel, play, movie or a tv show in the highest office in the land.  This isn’t a movie or a tv show.  This is life.  Our lives.  OURS.

Before this even with a Republican in office, I never worried about democracy.  I never worried about the rights and freedoms we hold dear that many valiantly fought for.  Never worried about our safety.  Ok, maybe a little bit with Cheney.  I now have no trust that those things aren’t compromised and being slowly stripped away.  

Let’s take a new look at morality and ethics and what that might look and feel like and turn this around.  For this former Christian now Buddhist, we are way off course and I’m hopeful not so far off that we can’t recover.  We have to.

May you be safe.  May you be happy.  May you be healthy.  May you be of ease.  (And yes, even for the one in the Whitehouse and those who are looking past his indiscretions.)

*****

Still, and more.

So much more to say, too often I don’t.  But then I feel complacent and responsible and as half of the county, at least, worried about democracy, freedom, our safety domestically and internationally.  Has complacency delivered us to where we are today?

About a month ago I asked on FB, define morality, ethics and character.  Three responses. I guess I get it. I’m exhausted by the whole thing as well.  Tired of the nonsense, the misinformation, the lies and the unfortunate reality of who we are as humans and citizens. For me, also not the time to be silent to try to slip back in a safe cocoon, bubble, whatever you choose to call it.  It’s life, real life.  To not be engaged, complacent, to not speak up, is a silent acceptance of the adversity and danger that is before us.

We jumble up words.  We jumble up or redefine what some words mean or maybe even what the value of those words one day meant.  Morality, ethics and character.

The thing is, most of you who will (or might) read this will be white. The level of exhaustion of those marginalized by the lack of understanding or interest in protecting those marginalized by us pales in comparison to theirs.  So you scroll on by.   Maybe you think about it, but your fear or lack of interest in the conversation speaks volumes.  Kind of like the quote I saw,

How you treat someone who votes differently than you speaks volumes about your character. Some might say, how you vote speaks volumes about your character.  Okay, I might say.

Or this one, some are angry because they are being judged by the content of their character, not the color of their (white) skin.  

See there, words jumbled.

The idea of or the concept of those three values that I was raised by have not changed in my now 64 years of life.  Today, for me I hold them even tighter even more important than the example I was given lived by my parents and Grandparents.  So much so that, this Liberal over the last 6 to 8+ years feels more conservative than some of you I thought might have been my conservative friends.  I see your acceptance of in my view, a lack of character, a lack of ethics and a lack of morality. All so far removed from what I thought we all believed those to be and mean, that I have to ask, what happened?  How is it that what I believe these 3 to mean is diametrically apposed to what  your choice tells me you believe them to be.

Now, I believe that I have been more than reserved on this.  I’ve not said what I have felt or really wanted to say. I’ve not been as direct as some have been or are toward the current administration. Or your opposition.   

So here it is.  I am so tired of this asshole and he’s not even in office yet.  Yes I called him a name!!  Since calling people names and being nice was over with him since, well since him.  Even though his flock are the ones to ask ME what happened to that notion.  Seriously?  Step back!  

Again, I will say, if you find anywhere, that previous to this I have called that one or anyone a name, posted something that is mean point it out and I will acknowledge that I didn’t hold my tongue as well as I thought.  This post doesn’t count because I am admitting the name calling.  If you feel this isn’t ‘nice’, I ask you to explore your reason for that thought before you plug me with it. 



This isn’t about nice, this is serious.  This is our life, our livelihood and the future we leave those who come after us.  I don’t have my own children, but I have children in my life that I worry about every day their future, the safety, their security.  And with what is before us now, I question every bit of it.

DO you NOT hear what comes out of his mouth?  Does none of that matter? This racist, misogynistic, convicted felon, adjudicated sexual offender who speaks so disrespectfully of anyone, no matter their station every single day, every single minute.  The media has normalized this insidious behavior.  The child whose sole purpose is to cover his own insecurities and inadequacies disparaging everyone around him.  Unless they are giving him money, while suing everyone for saying or reporting the truth?!  Is this a new job a new income channel?  Can we all set back and sue those who disagree or look at us differently?  F!!!!

If you like me are exhausted, image in those he marginalizes every damn day, immigrants, women, Black, Brown, LGBTQ, Military, educated career professionals, doctors, lawyers, scientists.  He is smarter than all of them?  Give me a F****** break!

He is morally, ethically and characteristically bankrupt and next month will be the one running the country.

An embarrassment of our acceptance of a lack of decency.

This is who we are.  

God speed.

Nov 14, 2020 FB post

I have this thought that fear has taken over our ability to live and love with an open heart.

Fear of losing what we believe rightfully belongs to us. To which I have to ask, what does belong to us? What does belong to you? Belong; the property of. Property. You are not property. I am not property. Your kids are not, your spouse is not, etc. etc. etc. Maybe you belong to a church, a group, a community, but you are still not property.

So is it a fear of losing something that is inherently your own personal beliefs, yours and yours alone? No one can take that away from you, it is yours and yours alone. Celebrate it, but don’t hold it over another.

Here’s the thing. There are probably eight billion people in the world. So imagine how many of those who have beliefs that are not yours or even diametrically opposed to you. This is our world, this is your world. It is not a threat unless you open yourself up to the difference and see it as a threat. Freedom is freedom and to place your belief over another is a shadow over another their freedom. We have a lot of work to do in terms of equality. Lots of work.

If we replaced our fear with understanding, that while we may have a different faith or a different political affiliation, are we taking the time to understand the human and the heart of our neighbor, our co-worker or friend? Are we there to listen to understand and embrace the difference and not as a threat to our own belief?

It started early for me, grade school. When I think about it today, I feel that lump in my throat and it makes me sad. There was a girl in my many of my classes who because of her religion, her Mom came and picked her up for any and all holiday celebrations the rest of us had. Her Mom came picked her up and she left school. While I didn’t see it, I see it now like I had, she and her Mom walking down that long empty hall to leave her class because we needed to celebrate Halloween. Even then I thought, why are we doing something that excludes this person? Why do the rest of us have to be so arrogant that our belief, our celebration is so much more important that we allowed it to exclude her? She might have been okay with this. I just don’t know. Either way, still.

Some of you know me. Some of you don’t, really. What both of you have in common is that you do not truly know my heart. We haven’t had the opportunity to have that conversation. You do not know my deepest beliefs. I don’t know yours. You might think you have a hint or an idea because of something I put here. Or I might think I know you because of a post. But neither is knowing the heart.

Some of your shared posts that say, whatever, are generalizations that exclude your friends and neighbors and they have no foundation of truth. And actually are counter to what I think the intention is.

We are humans. We have hopes, dreams and aspirations. We all believe differently, even if we sit next to each other in the pew on Sunday morning. My belief, your belief will never be THE belief of a world full of billions. 

How do we come together in harmony? Let go a little of the fear, hold your truth and allow your heart to be open to others and celebrate the beauty of the differences. Our hopes and dreams aren’t that different.

Peace.

This gentleman in the video below, in just a few minutes says some of what I’ve written over the last 8 years.  I write a lot, lots of words.  I share a very small % of what I actually write.  What I’ll ever do with all of it, I don’t know. There are enormous emotion this week among those in my world who are like minded. Want to know what I’ll bet on? That we won’t be storming the capital in January.

After this post I’m taking another break. When, if I come back, I will expect my Friends number to have dropped.  Go ahead, unfriend and block me because I won’t.  You’ll have to do that. As much as I absolutely disagree with your choice, I know it was your choice and for now we still have a choice.  We all deserve security, opportunity and freedom. We also deserve Black female excellence over white male mediocracy every day.

I see the harm that we have allowed and passed as acceptable. I see the harm that will come. Harm that I truly hope doesn’t touch any of you. I just doubt that it won’t impact all of us.  So much at risk.

If you feel any of this harms you, please check in with your Black, Brown and LGBTQIA+ friends.  Just don’t ask them to help you feel better. Consider their past and now their future. Make sure they are okay.

View on Threads

“What happened to the notion of not calling people names and being nice to one another? Just asking…”. Yes, I will ask this for her, for me and you, over and over and over again.


May you be safe.  May you be happy.  May you be healthy.  May you live with ease.

I try to analyze my tears.  Maybe I shouldn’t.  You tell me. Or don’t.

I feel, in my opinion of course, it is a loss of a hope that we were different.  Not in the way you think but in our ideals, our thoughts around morality, ethics our diversity, and as a friend asked a few weeks ago, “What happened to the notion of not calling people names and being nice to one another? Just asking…”.

Yes, I think I will forever be asking that question because of who asked it of me. Someone I’ve known since kindergarten who is a supporter of the candidate re-elected.

Some days I feel like the conservative. When you try to understand something that has no logic, no reason, no sense, there is no understanding. For some reason, this also made me think of Scrooge near the end of “A Christmas Carol” when he says to his nephews wife, “Can you forgive a pig-headed old fool for having no eyes to see with, no ears to hear, all these years?”. They have no eyes to see, no ears to hear. They choose to not see and hear.

Why do tears flow on this day?  Is it because for years I was able to hold them, to keep them to myself and not let others see them?  And can no longer do that? Is it a collective overwhelming loss, my parents, their decline, making that decision for them to leave their home for a small room in a facility because it was safer?  Is it because of the choices my brother made late in life, with no explanation, with the result of a long incarceration?  How to analyze the collective impact of all of that? What did one mean to the other? Where does it all sit? Sadness. Anger. Grief. Where does one put that?

And now the reality that friends and more Americans saw a better choice, yes in my opinion, in indecency over decency, dishonor over honor, disrespect over respect, division over unity, name calling and disparagement. White male mediocrity rather than black excellence, education, experience, decency and fairness.

White male mediocrity, how sad for all of us. This is who we are.  Racist, misogynistic and fearful of who we could be, so we embrace the worst of us. We embrace the past, what we think is a safety when it is far from it.

Waking up this morning to the reality, while expected, wasn’t welcome. Like a child covering my eyes to not see, I changed the channel to news to see the lower 3rd and what news it would reveal, ‘re-elected”.

Through some tears I opened Flip book on the iPad for a distraction. First thing I read after seeing the results;

What Buddhism can teach in this moment of deep divisions: No person is ‘evil,’ only ‘mistaken’. The author mentions the story of Angulimala. A new story for me.

“This puzzles Angulimala. He asks for an explanation. The Buddha replies, “Angulimala, I stopped committing acts that cause suffering to other living beings a long time ago. I have learned to protect life, the lives of all beings, not just humans. Angulimala, all living beings want to live. All fear death. We must nurture a heart of compassion and protect the lives of all beings.”

After reading about Angulimala, this was the next thing I opened to read, Charlie Sykes opinion on MSNBC.

I fully admit to waffling back and forth. Sorting through my emotions, feeling what in my heart believes people voted for and voted against. Yes, emotions and feelings. Not ashamed to say that. And I’ll say it again, they voted for white male mediocracy, racism, misogyny and against black excellence, educated and experience.

Important words tonight from Sherrilyn Ifil.

I decided to take a break from Social Media, IG, Threads and Facebook.   I go back and forth as to whether it is even a good space to be in.  We all have a lot going on in our lives and some days, if I could just not read the comments, I’d be okay and it would be a more enjoyable place.  Currently being an election season, doesn’t make it any easier.

The hate, the vitriol, the lies, the abuse, the attaches on every day descent humans from others, it more than I can bear some days with all that is in my life and has happened in the last few years.  I’m not here to corner the market on a ‘poor me’ scenario or say I’ve got it worse than other, I don’t. 

Most of you know me.  You know how I was raised, where I was raised and we went to church together.  Some of you may think that because I grew up in church, got a little radical religiously in high school that you thought I might have become a conservative.  Well, I’m pretty sure you no now that’s not the case if you pay attention or have paid attention to my posts here.  If you weren’t paying attain, SURPRISE!  I’m a bleeding heart liberal, life long Democrat.  Just like my Mom, my Dad and his father my Grandpa Green.

I know there is great division.  I know that there are differences today that seem or feel so extreme that there is no going back.  That our culture and our world is changing.  It is happening naturally and in some ways organically and in my opinion can’t be stopped any easier than the rotation of the sun.

We can live in fear, which I know many do because of how they have responded over the last 4-8 years.  Fear that has been manufactured far beyond any reality.

Earlier this week on the post of a friend from high school, I saw someone respond to someone on Facebook who unfriended and blocked me a month or so ago.  So I couldn’t see her comment but the reply was; 

So did she say that people hate her? Not knowing for sure or who “they” might be I had a thought.  Who hates who?  Is she projecting her own self hatred outward in an effort to ease her belief, her fear, how she see’s or wants to see the world.  When I think of the person I’ve known since kindergarten, who I thought she was, the person that is raging through Facebook is not who I thought I knew.  Fun loving, crazy, outgoing, smiling, laughing, what happened to that.  

She is also famously the one who asked the question on a post of mine, 

“Not racist and not a Harris supporter. What happened to the notion of not calling people names and being nice to one another? Just asking…”  

This question from a Trump supporter.  I didn’t respond in the way that I wanted to, asking her to go ask her candidate that question and don’t make me list the names he’s called everyone from family, former staff, Generals, etc.  Seriously?  Seriously she doesn’t in her vacuum bubble of news doesn’t hear him call everyone, stupid and a whole list of derogatory names?

This more than anything completely absolutely gob smacks me.  How can there be anything, any element redeemable with this man that I don’t hear the horrible things he has said and through the legal system found guilty of so, so many things that I’d hope that NO one wants responsible for the safety and security of our country.

The question that would never be answered, do you have woman, children, LGBTQ, Black, Brown, PEOPLE in your life that you care about?  There is nothing he stands for that in some way won’t impact every single person in American except, him, Musk and the Kushner’s. 

This is manipulations at its finest.  How did it not happen to me?  How was I not drawn in to his level of division and hatred of the US?  Fear.  I’m not afraid of tomorrow, my shadow or anything.  And even thinking about a potential second trump Presidency, it’s not fear because I have been listening and know what he will do.  I’m pissed.  I’m angry.  But afraid, no.  No fear.  

I actually think, as I sit here right now writing these words that even with him in office a second time and the few pulling his strings, I do think that there are poetical guardrails out there that we are not aware of and that there just aren’t enough riding his crazy train to let happen what could happen.  But that there will be damage done to the US internationally, economically and environmentally that will take years to repair.  

Side bar.  One day, maybe just maybe she will admit that she is a racist.  I still have work to do in that realm but have done enough to know, the goal the concept is “I’m not a racist”.  For me it’s I am a racist and I am and will do everything I can to learn and be anti-racist.

Day one of break

The Mother Jones headline, “Trump Called for Placing Liz Cheney Before Guns “Trained on Her Face.” But what about “Garbage”?  I’m 100% sure that even this will not deter some supporters and they will vote for him.  His campaign I think has already said that’s not what he said.  So then that video and audio recording of him sitting there next to Carlson, saying “Let’s put her with a rifle standing there with nine barrels shooting at her,”,  He didn’t say that?  How is it that I heard that?  How is it that for me that is reprehensible, even for someone to say that about him, yet he can say it.

I follow a lot of people on Social Media.  I will admit more that align with my political viewpoint, but I’m not in a vacuum bubble either.  I read the other side as much as I can.  I have this thing in me that when listening to some, I can’t stomach it.  I can read into their tone and too often I just can’t listen.  I listen to people who reference history, tell the whole story.  Offer source’s and resources to verify what they are staying.  I’ve never taken anything at face value.  All too often it feels to me that TFG supporters take what he says, face value as fact and truth.  Rarely does the man speak truth.  And if you listen carefully, everything he tries to blame on someone else, he has actually done it and in many cases has been found guilty in a court of law.

Leigh McGowan said it better than anyone the other day.  Something I and others have been saying in different ways for years.  It is this; “I think it’s weird that we’re asking Kamala to answer for what Joe Biden said, be we’re not asking Trump to answer for what Trump says.”  All media has failed us since that day in 2015 when he ascended that stupid escalator.  

Day five, election day

Listening today, trying not to, to know where we will be going.  Forward or back.  Back who knows how many years, 50, 100, 200?

**

I just heard someone say, “being on the right side of history.”  Does history matter to you?  Does history have any impact on you?  If you say no to both, I’m going to try to be nice here.  If you answer no to both, I think that your right to vote to participate in democracy should be questioned and revoked.  I’m not the smartest person ever in any room, I’m not naive or ignorant.  To say that history doesn’t matter or hasn’t had an impact, ignorant doesn’t define it.

After the election of 2016, I felt my understanding of morality and ethical behavior wain.  How did this liberal all of a sudden feel like an extreme conservative?  How did my view of what was appropriate for the highest office in the land all of a sudden become a moral high ground that was beyond reproach.  Actually, I don’t believe that my moral compass is above or beyond reproach.  It is appropriate and oddly enough, I would have thought those on the other side would have been more offended or appalled than I was with there language, the innuendo, and the acceptance of name calling and trash talk.  

About 5 times a day I think of the question asked of me from a Trump supporter that I’ve known since Kindergarten. Yes I am repeating it because it’s beyond explanation or reason,

“What happened to the notion of not calling people names and being nice to one another? Just asking…” 

So do they not hear it?  Is their anger and hatred of diversity of humans so extreme that hearing name calling is selective?  Does a double standard impact your auditory factor? Oh how badly I wanted to say, fuck you!  Ask your racist misogynistic leader why the hell it’s okay for him to call ANYONE a name.  WTAF! I did not. I tried to be reasonable, logical, question it as well. A couple weeks later when I replied to a very angry post about an Olympic female boxer, some facts. I was unfriended and blocked.

I do think of this several times a day. Seriously, ‘not calling people names’? I honestly do not think that I need to list the many names her leader called, Hilary, Kamala, anyone who disagreed with him.

The first shooter was said to have been mercilessly bullied in high school.  What about the guy this week?

I have this crazy, uneducated thought running through my mind since July 13.

I was lucky, I was never bullied.  I can only think of one time that I can recall that I participated in and the sting of it exists still today.  That was around early teenage years.  So I hope the feeling I had at the time that is still within me today, was my lesson and I didn’t do it again.

So I don’t know what it feels like.  I haven’t had to navigate people saying mean things to me or at me or hearing it indirectly.  I do for some reason, when I see it, hear it or read about it, interestingly more every day feel it. I feel it so deep within, the solar plexus, it radiates up into a lump in my throat and brings tears to my eyes.

What if they both were bullied mercilessly and their target was the perceived ultimate bully?

I had a Medium tell once that I take things in through the solar plexus chakra.  Then she said, “So the good news is you know what people are thinking and feeling. The bad news is, you know what people are thinking and feeling.

The job I had before this one that I am fully remote with, at first in was the office, Mon – Friday normal.  Then after a set amount of time, we could choose to work 2 days a week from home or flex, nine nines. Of course I chose 2 days!  There was no parking where I worked so the bus was the only way to get up on that hill.  My commute, depending on traffic was about an hour or two hours.  I was melting mentally every day.  Leaving my house about 6:30am, getting home 7pm.  I probably took in every emotion on that bus on the way in and on the way home.  Then ‘stuff’ happened and some trips I couldn’t hold in the tears even if I listen to music or a book.  Nothing would mask the energy around me.

Then COVID.  I was saved.  In a short few weeks, I embarrassingly felt better.  But I was, considering all the ‘stuff’.  But I digress.

Bullied.  Listening to the people who knew him, they spoke of the shooter on July 13 saying that he was mercilessly bullied in high school.

Was the shooter this week bullied at any point in his life?

I know everyone wants to blame this on everything but what it is actually about.  And I am certain, we will never know unless they find and release verifiable documentation that these people wrote saying why.  Where is that long drawn out congressional inquiry to find out why?

My take, the bullies want to blame the opponent.  Now here is where an unfriendly or blocks happens.  I think DJT is a bully and his running mate is his protege in training.  Actually, I think the training is or was complete.  

What if these men shot at who they perceived as the ultimate bully and decided this is how I take revenge on everyone who has bullied me ever.